Monday, September 13, 2010

No, I'm not a Hypochondriac nor am I over-exaggerating...

...but thanks for thinking that.

I know that there's no visible signs (most of the time) that I'm in pain or feeling really sick, but trust me when I say this...I HURT ALL THE TIME.  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE FLU OR JUST RAN A MARATHON EVERYDAY.  I wish that all of this was in my head.  I really do.  I wish I was making this up because I would give anything not to feel this way.

I have to neglect basic tasks sometimes just to make it.  No, I can't clean up my apartment.  I barely have the energy to clean my body.  No, I didn't cook.  I can't barely manage to stand that long.   If you think that I can work 8+ hours at a job and then come home and do normal household chores, you are mistaken.

I go from bed to work to bed.  That's my routine.  I manage to sing and dance and be merry while I'm not in bed...but I always pay for it at the end of the day.

My life is miserable enough with my body hating me so much.  I don't need the sideways glances and gossiping about me being sick.  I really don't.

It's amazing how little people know about illnesses.  You would think a systemic illness was as common as a unicorn.   The same thing that makes my stomach hurt just might be the same thing that makes my joints hurt.  Mind blowing?  Well, it shouldn't be.    You feel bad all over when you come down with the flu, right?  So it should be that hard to believe that my pains, rashes, and fatigue are all coming from the same place.   I don't like collecting symptoms anymore than you like hearing about them.

I don't like telling you about them, but sometimes I get really sad and frustrated, and I have to tell somebody.  I don't want your sympathy.  I just need to get it out.   And believe me when I tell you that I'm only telling you a small bit of what I'm going through.

I have to live my days knowing that there is something wrong with me, and it might be a  long time until they find out exactly what it is.  I know that there are millions of people just like me in this world that are suffering without ever getting a diagnosis.  Some of them die with no answers.   Dying doesn't really scare me much anymore.  But I'm scared shitless of having to live like this for the rest of my life.  

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