Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Late hair updates


i was busy or tired or something.

my hair is so fine and thin that it's hard to do anything with it when it's straight...

i actually considered cutting it.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Hair time!!

For some odd reason, I thought that I would try roller setting my hair this weekend.   That's what happens when you spend a whole week reading hair boards and looking at fotkis and blogs and youtube get these crazy ideas in your head.

Since my last attempt at rollersetting went horribly (i dont know if it was because my hair is much longer now than it was when I used to rollerset or if it's because I'm natural), I decided to try the rollers with the snap covers this time.

Rushed to Sally's yesterday to pick up 4 packs of rollers.

Did a mini henna treatment last night.  I figured my hair would be a little stretched and it would definitely dry faster.

Woke up today at 3p (lol) and washed the henna out and shampooed and deep conditioned.  I left the conditioner in until around 6.

I will admit that rolling my hair was pretty easy, but I don't think it had anything to do with the snap covers.

I only had to sit under the dryer for an hour.  I didn't know what to do with my new curls, so I blew them out, and flat ironed.  *shrugs*

...and now for the pics...
rollers in

after washing out conditioner


Friday, September 17, 2010

UGK - Shattered Dreams

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In two weeks, I see the nurse practitioner to get my results and hopefully a diagnosis and further treatment.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Not having a diagnosis is hard

It's not that I want to be sick.  I just want a name.  Not a barrel full of symptoms that have yet to be combined into a singular illness.

I've read that it takes several years for many chronically ill people to be diagnosed.  This is very frustrating.  Seeing specialist after specialist.  Being dismissed and accused.  

You try to join support groups for illnesses that have symptoms that you experience, but you feel left out.

You read about all the treatments people with a diagnosis are getting and fear that your body is being damaged while you wait for something to show up in a test.

Who marches for the undiagnosed?  Where are our shirts?  When do we get a voice?  What will it take?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pretending to be well

I think most people probably pretend to be sick...ya get out of work, school, dates, whatever. But have you ever pretended to be well? Or pretended to not be as sick as you really are? What about hiding symptoms from the doctor because you can tell that your chart is getting thicker and thicker, and one person couldn't possibly have that many things wrong with them.

I had never thought about this until I was talking to a lady at work who is chronically ill, and she asked if I had ever not told a doctor everything because I didn't want to come off as being a hypochondriac. And my answer was, "all the time."

Now, here was someone with a diagnosis and who was being treated but even she felt the same things I don't want to be labelled as the crazy person that has everything wrong.

Why don't some people feel comfortable saying what's wrong? Is it because we have been dismissed so many times by medical professionals, family, friends, and coworkers? Or maybe we don't want people to believe we're attention-seeking (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially when dealing with doctors...they are supposed to give us their attention...that's the reason we go to them)?

I know, for me, it's really hard for me to admit that I'm not having a good day. It's not because of pride, it's because I don't want people to treat me differently. I don't want to hear how I'm too young to be sick, tired, in pain, etc. I don't want any home remedies, no suggestions that I'm eating too fast or need to take a zantac. I don't want you to tell me that it's probably nothing because that's honestly not very reassuring.

But when you ask me how I'm doing today, expect a "good" because I would rather you think I'm being rude and flakey than being a fake.

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That's when a person does the same thing over and over again and expects a different result, correct?

Then why do people constantly talk to me and I give them very dry answers, if I even answer at all? It's almost like they are incapable of reading body language and a person's attitude. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm actually trying to do the exact opposite but they keep talking to me.

Then, they whine about me being mean or assume that I'm not having a good day.

I was having a great day until you started talking to me.

How many times will you keep trying to start conversations with me?

I don't know why these people think we are friends. I honestly don't. I'm not even friendly. lol. I'm easy-going and approachable but that does not mean I want to talk to you all the time. I don't like you.

If I speak to someone and they completely ignore me, and this happens on more than one occasion, I'm not going to continue to speak to them.


It's not you, It's me...not really...It's you. about this weather?! lol
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Tupac - Only God can Judge Me

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Tupac - I Ain't Mad at Cha

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Monday, September 13, 2010

Tupac - R U Still Down (feat. Jon B)

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Tupac - I Wonder if Heaven got a Ghetto

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Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up

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Tupac - Dear Mama

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Tupac - Me and My Girlfriend

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Tupac - Baby Don't Cry

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Tupac - I Get Around

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Tupac - Ambitionz az a Ridah

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Tupac - Hit Em Up

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Tupac - What'z Ya Phone No.

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Tupac - Life Goes On

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Tupac - No More Pain

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Today has been rough

It's 1230. I woke up this morning so I could go to Labcorp to get some lab work done. I will never ever in life do that again.
Luckily, I had scheduled an appointment so I didn't have to wait a long time. BUT, I ended up being stuck twice because the people there did not read the entire order form. So, the lady drew one vial and said goodbye. I had to ask her about a skin test that I needed done and come to find out, they didn't even look at the five tests at the bottom of the sheet!
She had to fill three more vials. I walked out of there hungry (I had to fast after midnight), with both arms bandaged, and left to find a lab that would do the skin test I needed.
I figured that I might as well head to the other side of town to the lab I usually use. Well, after waiting there for 30 minutes, the chick took me back and told me that she didn't do the test either.

*pulls out hair*

Now at this point, I'm ready to punch somebody. At least, this chick called around to find where I could get this crap done...and I didn't have to go far.

What sucks is that I think the nurse came and injected the wrong thing. I'm supposed to be tested to make sure my immune system is working properly so that's why the candida skin test was ordered, and most people have a reaction...and from what I'm understanding, they are supposed to do a control also.

I'm sitting here with a bright pink bandaid under which I have no visible reaction...granted, it does generally take 48-72 hours but the broad said that my arm should "look like it did when you first came in" when I go back on Wednesday. Ummmm...excuse my French...but that bitch done fucked up.


I'm so mad.

Anybody have a kitten that I can wrestle?
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No, I'm not a Hypochondriac nor am I over-exaggerating...

...but thanks for thinking that.

I know that there's no visible signs (most of the time) that I'm in pain or feeling really sick, but trust me when I say this...I HURT ALL THE TIME.  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE FLU OR JUST RAN A MARATHON EVERYDAY.  I wish that all of this was in my head.  I really do.  I wish I was making this up because I would give anything not to feel this way.

I have to neglect basic tasks sometimes just to make it.  No, I can't clean up my apartment.  I barely have the energy to clean my body.  No, I didn't cook.  I can't barely manage to stand that long.   If you think that I can work 8+ hours at a job and then come home and do normal household chores, you are mistaken.

I go from bed to work to bed.  That's my routine.  I manage to sing and dance and be merry while I'm not in bed...but I always pay for it at the end of the day.

My life is miserable enough with my body hating me so much.  I don't need the sideways glances and gossiping about me being sick.  I really don't.

It's amazing how little people know about illnesses.  You would think a systemic illness was as common as a unicorn.   The same thing that makes my stomach hurt just might be the same thing that makes my joints hurt.  Mind blowing?  Well, it shouldn't be.    You feel bad all over when you come down with the flu, right?  So it should be that hard to believe that my pains, rashes, and fatigue are all coming from the same place.   I don't like collecting symptoms anymore than you like hearing about them.

I don't like telling you about them, but sometimes I get really sad and frustrated, and I have to tell somebody.  I don't want your sympathy.  I just need to get it out.   And believe me when I tell you that I'm only telling you a small bit of what I'm going through.

I have to live my days knowing that there is something wrong with me, and it might be a  long time until they find out exactly what it is.  I know that there are millions of people just like me in this world that are suffering without ever getting a diagnosis.  Some of them die with no answers.   Dying doesn't really scare me much anymore.  But I'm scared shitless of having to live like this for the rest of my life.  

Sunday, September 5, 2010

30 Thing about My Invisible Illness You May not Know

  1. The illness I live with is:   still grossly undiagnosed, but i have a list...dysthymia, borderline personality disorder, ocd, non-specific esophageal motility disorder, gastric antral vascular ecstasia
  2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:   psychological, 2001-04.  physical, 2009-10
  3. But I had symptoms since:   as long as i can remember
  4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:   realizing it's not all in my head and that i cannot do everything...sometimes you have to take a break
  5.  Most people assume:   im a hypochondriac or just looking for attention...or that im exaggerating
  6. The hardest part about mornings are:    getting out of usually tired and stiff
  7. My favorite medical TV show is:  probably ER or Scrubs
  8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  my cell...
  9. The hardest part about nights are:  knowing that i'll have to do it all over again the next day
  10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)  varies, but i take around 15 total now
  11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  have only looked into supplements...thinking about acupuncture though 
  12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  i'd choose the one that hurts less i guess...i dont know...
  13. Regarding working and career:  i've been missing work and i never do's hard to be bubbly and happy when you hurt
  14. People would be surprised to know:  that i cry sometimes
  15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  life is very fragile and it's may not play out how you always imagined it would
  16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  n/a...doctors are just now beginning to agree that somethings wrong...soooooooooo
  17. The commercials about my illness:  they have ones for depression...they are depressing lol
  18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  i havent really changed much since i dont have a definite dx right now
  19. It was really hard to have to give up:  n/a
  20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:  blogging more since im in bed more often 
  21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  go running
  22. My illness has taught me:  that people get really uncomfortable around sick people
  23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:  "oh, that's why you're so skinny!!"
  24. But I love it when people:  actually take the time to understand what im going through and ask questions or google
  25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:  Things will get better.  If they don't, oh well.    :-)
  26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:  welcome to the club
  27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  people in the medical field can be real jerks
  28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:  ask me if i needed help
  29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:  we are overlooked...especially if we are young.  nobody believes us.  nobody cares.  they think it can't be THAT bad since we don't look sick, but we suffer.  and im sure that many are like me, and they just stop saying how bad they feel.  we stop going to doctors when they dont believe us.  we stop believing ourselves.  that's no way to live.  we need a voice.
  30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:  happy because somebody actually came to my blog.  lmao

I'm a bitch.

If you know me, then this is really not a surprising statement.   I can't explain where this bitchiness comes from nor do I know when it will strike.   I don't always like it, but it is what it is.  I have to tell people not to take it personally.

But sometimes, I feel really bad about it.

On Friday, I was in super bitch mode.  I wasn't talking to hardly anybody.  I was snapping at people.  Hell, I was even flat out ignoring folks.   One poor soul tried talking to me and I ignored her every word.  She balled up a piece of paper and threw it on my desk at like 9am that morning.   I ignored it until about 6pm when I was about to leave work.   
When I unraveled it, my heart sank.  

So I taped it to the side of my printer and uploaded it to facebook and twitter.

I really do feel bad.   

A bitch needs therapy.  lol

National Invisible Chronic Illness Week

September 13-19, 2010 is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. This annual event, started in 2002 by Lisa Copen, features a variety of ways to get involved including a virtual conference September 13-17 online for free with speakers each morning 10:30 – 12 USA Pacific time.
There is a Meme “30 Things You May Not Know About My Invisible Illness”, you can sign up to blog for the cause, read guest bloggers’ posts, and get involved in the campaign on Facebook. There is even a free 80-page ebook when you sign up for email updates, with 263 tips!
With nearly 1 in 2 people living with a chronic condition, about 96% of those people are suffering silently with invisible illnesses. See

Saturday, September 4, 2010

So they say beauty is only skin deep

Well, I want that outside to be as beautiful as possible.   I go through periods of having near flawless skin...then my face will suddenly explode and be covered with blackhead, white heads, pimples, and what looks like cystic acne.

Why does this happen?   Hell if I know.  I'm sure it's hormonal though.  There's really no telling with the way my body likes to act.

Well, after being in love with my skin for months (and not changing anything about my routine), I found myself staring at a face that was laden with bumps and hyperpigmentation.   WHA HAPPEN?!

I don 't know why this happened, but I'll be damned if I let this go on.

I eat rather well, so I didn't or won't be changing anything about my diet.  
I do take supplements.  MSM, flax, fish, & borage oil, spirulina, and Vitamin D3.  
I drink water and green tea.

Now for my actual skin regimen, I had to change up some things.

I've used  raw african black soap for years to clean my face.  I still use that, but now, I only use it in the mornings.  Afterwards, I use St. Ives Naturally Clear Green Tea oil-free Scrub.  It's pretty gentle and has salicyclic acid.  I follow that up with blotting my face with a white towel and spritzing on pure aloe vera juice.   From there, I apply my primer and foundation, etc.
When I get home from work, I use makeup removing cloths to take off my makeup.   There's two that I like:   CVS Brand  which is a knock-off of the Pond's Clean Sweep (I've used both and they work equally well) and the Target Up & Up Brand ones.
Lastly, before I get into the shower, I apply castor oil mixed with a tiny amount of tea tree oil to my face.  I massage it in really well, then I get into the shower.    Some people like to put a hot towel on their face until it gets cool, wipe, and repeat.  But I'm lazy, and I don't really like showering anyway, so I rely a lot on the steam of the shower.  I do run a white towel under hot water and wipe my face with it a few times though.
When I get out of the shower, I spritz my face with a mix of water and apple cider vinegar.  When it dries, I rub a tiny amount of shea butter between my hands and apply it to my face.

I'm not lying to you when I say that I saw an almost immediate improvement when I added the h2o + acv step.    I have a few blackheads and whiteheads, but nothing major right now.   I'm just waiting on all these spots to fade.   And don't say not to pick because I get hyperpigmentation from everything.   The skin doesn't even have to be broken.  :-(

I would post before and after pics.  But no.  lol    You'll just have to take my word for it.

It's Game Day.


LSU vs. North Carolina

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